Thursday, October 27, 2005

So tired...

This was much harder than I thought it would be. We went up there, saw her and...I can't really describe it. As for the medical things: They did an MRI because they thought she might have had a bi-hemeral stroke (meaning a stroke on both sides of the brain). She also has started posturing in her hands and feet. That's a real bad sign. her feet are straight out like a ballerina and her hands are sorta in a claw like formation but not quite.
Her eyes are swollen and I noticed a cut on her lip and she has one tooth missing and another that's at a really odd angle. She was out the whole time we were there. Unconscious I mean. All we could do is rub her feet, hold her hand, wipe away some drool and just share time with her as best as we could. The emotions were really running wild and some of the breakdowns were hard for me to take.
I'm having a tough time. I want to stay strong and it's hard for me to cry. Stephanie's hurt. I don't want other people having to console me or take care of me when she needs help. I just feel so selfish for crying. Other people cry around me and I think nothing of it. I console them and help them feel better but for whatever reason I feel like that rule doesn't apply to me. Even when everyone around me is trying to convince me that I NEED to cry. I can't hold it in. I shouldn't try to stay strong. It's too much. Well in my head I agree but when I start to cry all those other feelings come back and I just choke them back.
I'm going to get some sleep and try to head to work tomorrow. Thank you so much for your prayers. PLease keep them coming.


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