Saturday, October 29, 2005

Saturday Update...

Thanks Jo for the answers. As best as I know right now, she has activity in her frontal lobe and brain stem ONLY. She's slipping away and my dad seems to think she's just hanging on until my mom gets there. I have about 5 more family members coming tomorrow to see her before she passes and my mom will be here soon. I called mom and left a message, called Bonnie but didn't get through and finally called my cousin Jen. Jen and Alex will be there tomorrow morning and they called my Aunt Bonnie and her, Jim and Andrea will be there tomorrow as well. I keep trying to get ahold of Bill but I can't. He still hasn't made it.

Well, This is getting a bit tough now. They say if she hangs on for another five days, they'll have to do a tracheotomy. Stephanie's wishes were to not have that happen. She said she didn't want to be on a machine. We've kept her on the machines she's on because she was on them when we got there and it's just not in our capability to ask them to pull the tubes out. Since they'll only keep them on for another five days that makes the decision for us which helps.

Stephanie will be around as long as her body wants to be now I think. If I remember right what my dad said, her body still slightly responds to procedures or treatments which might normally be painful or really uncomfortable or irritating to her. Very occasionally she's taking a breath or two on her own besides what the ventilator is doing for her.

The last few days I've been able to stay calm but as time goes on I'm getting more and more distressed. Every day seems worse and worse and the closer she gets to passing on, the harder it is to keep composed. I spent the day with Scott watching soccer, but today was actually harder for me than yesterday. Yesterday I started thinking, "Hey, maybe I can deal with this. Maybe this belief I have in families being forever is really going to pull me through and I can stay strong." Today taught me that while my faith and love for my Heavenly Father is as strong as ever, my ability to accept Stephanie no longer being here on earth with me like she has been is getting weaker and weaker with each passing hour.

The time to mourn has started. Spending tomorrow with so much family is really going to help. All of your prayers and thoughts are really helping to keep us all much more composed and calm than I thought we could be. We all have mentioned that we do feel more peace with this that we thought but that still doesn't make this easy. I'm sure that's expected. We love her. So I guess what I'm trying to say is THANK YOU. We have so many friends who love us or at least care for us enough to send along prayers and throughts. I really can't thank you enough for that. It helps more than I think you realize.


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