Tuesday, January 04, 2005

05 and still alive

BTW does anyone still say "aught" for zero? No? Well let me be the first then to welcome everyone to twenty aught five. Was the New Years Eve thing a big party? No...just a few games of Scattergories and a bit of net surfing and TV watching with the wife and sister. Butch called to get my butt in gear and well...I get these puppy dog eyes looking at me and I couldn't pry myself from my wife. They suck. I suck. I should be publicly flogged. Maybe I'm just not that much of a man. DUDE! Snap out of it man! It's barely the 4th day of the year and already you're acting like the same old wimp.
OK I really wish I'd gone to Butch's party. All I thought though the days prior were "People will be getting crazy drunk. I don't drink. I know butch...and....butch. Not really in the mood at this time to meet new faces, especially drunk ones who more than likely won't remember me afterwards. Doesn't sound like a good time to me." Well...Butch at the very least made it sound fun. Scott, Tony, Annam? I have no idea what they did Friday night. I'd like to hear stories so if any of you hipsters are reading this...get to me with the stories ok? Deadline is in a week and we don't want to have to print this late just cause you could get off your computer games for a second.
New Years Day was actually more fun. Football, cheesesteaks, and great dinner. Sounds like fun? It was. Wow didn't that just motivate you to go out and change your life? No? OK then you can sit here and finish reading this entry. Morning was spent with football playing from the TV to my ear. I was working on genealogy. Then we all got the fantastic idea to go out for Cheesesteaks. Philly's Best in Oceanside. No place better. Right off the I-5 on Oceanside Blvd. In the same parking lot with McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and right next to Thrifty or Rite Aid or Vons or whatever cheap store that is. Anyways the steaks are great.
Then we headed out to spend out Christmas gift cards. I got LOTR: Battle for Middle-Earth and the girls bought a game for us all to play. I think it's called "Hear Me Out". It takes too long to play and I think it's a bit boring but then again it's meant for 4+ players and it was just the 3 of us. It's like two people playing Monopoly. The game goes faster with more people.
Anyways we had reservations at the KemoSabe in Hillcrest and so we headed out there for dinner. I figured...one last drink. Then we're done forever. It's New Years Night, why not? Well

I'll tell you why not. Because a side of me creeped out that I thought had disappeared long ago. The waiter, Gregory (hmmm Gregory...straight or gay?) was gorgeous and I had to shut my fat (supposedly) straight mouth before I got into trouble. Apparently he felt this young fat man was worth at least a bit of hospitality because I ordered a lemon drop (yeah I know...THE BAT SIGNAL) and he gave me the shaker with my drink. So I ended up getting about $35 worth of Lemon Drop for a $10 drink. Thank you Gregory!

Then after the delicious Halibut for me, Ahi for Steph, and Chicken for Victoria, the girls ordered dessert. "Anything for you?" Gregory asked. Dangerous question. I should have said, "Why yes...you" but the married side of me was still sober so I simply said "I'm done. Way too full." He piped back with, "Well I'm bringing you a spoon and you're going to try some of this dessert they ordered." Well I said OKAY but my mind said "Anything you say pretty man." God I'm embarassed. What's happened to me? I thought I had regressed that gay side years ago. I was so happy just being a regular straight married man. I also used to have QUIT alcohol. I have now, but I was feeling quite guilty about that lemon drop later.

See what I put myself through? Do everything I know I shouldn't, then beat myself up for it later. Then tell myself to forgive me for my sins. Then alls well until I mess it all up again. Sometimes I feel I'll never break this cycle. I just hope the sins get less and less serious. I've never murdered anyone, I don't cheat on or abuse my wife, I don't get violent and so I guess that's a start. Problem is, I like alcohol. I know it's bad for me and I have resigned to make it a part of my PAST. Same with pornography. If it's classy and not raunchy I love it. However again I've been told, by people I trust about these things, that it's wrong and so I try to quit. I like to curse. I don't mean anything bad by it. There's no hate or malice in my words. It's just become part of my vernacular but society says it's evil so I hold my tongue and watch what I say. Sort of. There are a lot of things in life I enjoy and 99% of them are deemed wrong. So I live my life 1% happy with the hope that life on the other side of death will make up for it. Such a sad life.


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