Sunday, October 15, 2006

Reflective Times

I've spent a little time on myspace this weekend. Our 10 year reunion was last weekend and I skipped it. Not really any decent excuses. Just a lot of little shallow ones that when add up made us feel like it would have been more worth it just to hang with our friends separately and yet we never organized anything. So that was a waste and I blame it all on me.
I've been something like a mess lately. Happy most of the time but I just haven't been holding up to my responsibilities lately. I read the blog entry I posted on myspace October 25th of last year the evening that I got the call from Josh about Stephanie. I've read the blog entries here from a year ago. I'm looking back at a year of remembering and a promise I made that I have to admit I just haven't kept. I spent so much of this year working towards it only to fall short in the last couple months.
I know I need therapy, counseling, something but I just don't have $200 a week to spend on some stranger analyzing why I'm not a responsible human being. Why do I skip church once or twice a month but then continue going 2-3 times a month? Why do I pay tithing some months and not others? Why do I have this apartment looking spotless for a few weeks and then let things pile up again? I'm doing really good at work and Victoria and I have been close lately but I know she can sense that there's something not right with me. Is it the pain returning as the 1 year anniversary of that week from hell comes up? Is it just that I'm trying to balance too many things at once while not being willing to let a few things go? Do I just need to start fresh?
I don't know what it is but for as many happy moments as I've had in the last couple weeks there's been at least 3 times as many bad thoughts. Reminders of where I'm falling short in so many parts of my life. STILL. I'm 28. You'd think I'd have my life sorted out. You't think I'd at least have that temple recommend by now. You'd think I'd have honored my sister's life in a better way than I have in the last year. Sorrow, regret and more sorrow. The story of my life. Or perhaps just my perceptions right now because of how I'm feeling.
Perhaps I need to make a list. Plan out each day and just live strictly by it for a while until some of the things become habit. More with the grains and fruits/veges and less with the oils and fats. That's not just food I'm talking about, btw. I'll figure this out. I just need to stick with something good for once instead of just 6-10 months at a time.