Saturday, January 08, 2005

Step 1 for all of us.

So it's 4:13 and the Chargers are set to kick off in about 50 minutes or so. I'll say not who I think will win. Don't want to look like a big ass later. Well, can't help that I guess.

Seahawks just took the lead so things are looking good. I love Marshall Faulk but the Rams have had two shots and it's been 20 years since the Seahawks have won a playoff game. It's about time. The Dodgers finally won a playoff game, the Red Sox won the world series, the Lakers lost in the finals and the Flames made it close in the finals. It's time for a Chargers v. Seahawks Super Bowl. SYKE! Although it would force ESPN to talk about the West Coast for once and not in derogatory terms either.

This is my blog but I'll send props to Butch for his start to 2005. Wish I'd been there for NYE to help kick off the year with the only friend I still talk to from my life in the 80s. WOW I FEEL OLD.
Football playoffs are looking good. Great matchups and good teams. It's sad that Denver made it instead of Buffalo but I really can't complain. I'm just scared Buffalo would have made a Carolina-esque run at the Super Bowl. I use the Panthers only as recent example. Sure we saw New England in 1997 and Atlanta in 1998 and Tennessee in 1999 and Baltimore in 2000 and whatnot.

Though if the announcers dont quit licking the Rams ears I may not enjoy the playoffs much. Also, I'm a Bucs fan but the Chargers are a close second as my AFC team. If they lose tonight I won't be as excited. I do expect a win and I expect a loss in the next round. It's not lack of loyalty, it's an excess of realism.

Victoria and i have had a great time the last few days. Hard times at work but at home things have been so relaxed and happy. Today we're cleaning house but taking plenty of time to stop and cuddle. Lots of yelling but lots of cooing too. Very weird. We're either really happy or really pissed. Tie game. Shoot. Good game.

This sucks. I hate reading Butch's blog and then trying to write one of my own. I just don't have the kind of mind that can pull lyrics, quotes, and cultural references out of my head on cue and plug it just in the right spot. I also write this knowing that not only is Scott, Tony, Butch, Annam, and Victoria reading this....but so are my parents and the whole mormon side of my family. You know what. I'm not going to hide myself this year. I cuss. I get nasty sometimes. I do plan to make it to the temple soon but dammit I'm not clean cut and I never will be. To pretend is to deny myself. To deny myself is to deny myself happiness. No happiness makes Daniel a dull boy. Literally.

So fuck y'all I'm coming out and I'm happy. I go to church. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I don't drink coffee or tea. I do believe that Gordon B Hinckley is a prophet of God. I also support the apostles and all the leaders of the church. I have started paying tithing so I don't have to say anymore that I will. I have and will continue doing so forever, but dammit I'm going to be me. If people don't like my diction I'm not going to apologize.

I've spent a lot of time censoring myself for others. Sure I'll control my mouth around fellow Latter-Day Saints but if a ward member or family member hears a shit or fuck out of my mouth every now and then well I'm sorry but that's me. I'll do what I can to not offend but I'm not going to hide myself otherwise. This is my blog. It's not yours. If you are offended by foul language turn the channel now. If you're offended by blatant comments on sex and the idea that I might have a libido turn the channel now. I'm not a robot. I'm not a machine. I will not assimilate.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

05 and still alive

BTW does anyone still say "aught" for zero? No? Well let me be the first then to welcome everyone to twenty aught five. Was the New Years Eve thing a big party? No...just a few games of Scattergories and a bit of net surfing and TV watching with the wife and sister. Butch called to get my butt in gear and well...I get these puppy dog eyes looking at me and I couldn't pry myself from my wife. They suck. I suck. I should be publicly flogged. Maybe I'm just not that much of a man. DUDE! Snap out of it man! It's barely the 4th day of the year and already you're acting like the same old wimp.
OK I really wish I'd gone to Butch's party. All I thought though the days prior were "People will be getting crazy drunk. I don't drink. I know butch...and....butch. Not really in the mood at this time to meet new faces, especially drunk ones who more than likely won't remember me afterwards. Doesn't sound like a good time to me." Well...Butch at the very least made it sound fun. Scott, Tony, Annam? I have no idea what they did Friday night. I'd like to hear stories so if any of you hipsters are reading this...get to me with the stories ok? Deadline is in a week and we don't want to have to print this late just cause you could get off your computer games for a second.
New Years Day was actually more fun. Football, cheesesteaks, and great dinner. Sounds like fun? It was. Wow didn't that just motivate you to go out and change your life? No? OK then you can sit here and finish reading this entry. Morning was spent with football playing from the TV to my ear. I was working on genealogy. Then we all got the fantastic idea to go out for Cheesesteaks. Philly's Best in Oceanside. No place better. Right off the I-5 on Oceanside Blvd. In the same parking lot with McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and right next to Thrifty or Rite Aid or Vons or whatever cheap store that is. Anyways the steaks are great.
Then we headed out to spend out Christmas gift cards. I got LOTR: Battle for Middle-Earth and the girls bought a game for us all to play. I think it's called "Hear Me Out". It takes too long to play and I think it's a bit boring but then again it's meant for 4+ players and it was just the 3 of us. It's like two people playing Monopoly. The game goes faster with more people.
Anyways we had reservations at the KemoSabe in Hillcrest and so we headed out there for dinner. I last drink. Then we're done forever. It's New Years Night, why not? Well

I'll tell you why not. Because a side of me creeped out that I thought had disappeared long ago. The waiter, Gregory (hmmm Gregory...straight or gay?) was gorgeous and I had to shut my fat (supposedly) straight mouth before I got into trouble. Apparently he felt this young fat man was worth at least a bit of hospitality because I ordered a lemon drop (yeah I know...THE BAT SIGNAL) and he gave me the shaker with my drink. So I ended up getting about $35 worth of Lemon Drop for a $10 drink. Thank you Gregory!

Then after the delicious Halibut for me, Ahi for Steph, and Chicken for Victoria, the girls ordered dessert. "Anything for you?" Gregory asked. Dangerous question. I should have said, "Why" but the married side of me was still sober so I simply said "I'm done. Way too full." He piped back with, "Well I'm bringing you a spoon and you're going to try some of this dessert they ordered." Well I said OKAY but my mind said "Anything you say pretty man." God I'm embarassed. What's happened to me? I thought I had regressed that gay side years ago. I was so happy just being a regular straight married man. I also used to have QUIT alcohol. I have now, but I was feeling quite guilty about that lemon drop later.

See what I put myself through? Do everything I know I shouldn't, then beat myself up for it later. Then tell myself to forgive me for my sins. Then alls well until I mess it all up again. Sometimes I feel I'll never break this cycle. I just hope the sins get less and less serious. I've never murdered anyone, I don't cheat on or abuse my wife, I don't get violent and so I guess that's a start. Problem is, I like alcohol. I know it's bad for me and I have resigned to make it a part of my PAST. Same with pornography. If it's classy and not raunchy I love it. However again I've been told, by people I trust about these things, that it's wrong and so I try to quit. I like to curse. I don't mean anything bad by it. There's no hate or malice in my words. It's just become part of my vernacular but society says it's evil so I hold my tongue and watch what I say. Sort of. There are a lot of things in life I enjoy and 99% of them are deemed wrong. So I live my life 1% happy with the hope that life on the other side of death will make up for it. Such a sad life.